The beginning of this month was one of those weeks where everything falls into place. It was the beginning of fashion week in Paris and the first ever Fashion and Tech week too. However, it was also the beginning of me finally clinging to something that could drag me out of the dark hole I found myself.
The truth is I have lacked any ambition or inspiration in anything over the past 5 months since that moment. If I am honest with myself, it might even go back further than that. All I can say is I have not wanted to do anything. I worked very little because I did not have the desire to do it. One might think I would be exploring Paris all day if I wasn’t working, but this is not the case. I was content to sleep all morning after being up all night. I barely got anything done. I only left the house if I made myself to go run errands or walk along the Seine. Nothing was helping me get past what had happened. I was not myself in any sense, and something needed to change. The only thing is nothing was grasping my attention like I needed.
I think some people do get depressed, but I can say with all certainty that this is not what was going on with me. It might sound like it, but I know myself. I am usually too content and happy of a person to succumb to dark thoughts. I cannot imagine what it must feel like being in a hole where there is nothing but darkness. I wish I could understand it, but I doubt I ever will. I guess that might sound crazy, but I really wish I could understand even for a moment- just so I could understand why. Despite all this, I knew I was in a rough place. Shit happens, and I know everyone goes through really bad times. It just seemed like I was going through one bad thing after another. I had no direction, and I had no idea what to do with my life.
In reality, I still do not know, but last week finally gave me the shock I needed to come back to life. I was like a human zombie that was content doing nothing despite missing out on the experience of the world outside. I didn’t care, and why should I have to if I lived thousands of miles from any sort of regular lifestyle? Besides, I lost the one person I always counted on to give me the push or wake up call I needed. They decided to leave me, and who was I to say someone else couldn’t decide to leave me too? I lost so many opportunities over the last six months, but I just did not have the motivation to change anything about my attitude or circumstances.
Fashion week finally came around, and I really did not care at all. I go to these things all the time, and they can be quite boring if not overly pretentious. My jaded self can think the fashion industry is quite stupid at times. Sometimes, I do not get the hype at all, and I think there are so many other worthwhile things in the world. Let me just say I will never think that again because when it comes down to it this crazy week saved me. It showed me that there is so much I was missing and that I have to fight for my right to want things like inspiration and ambition.
Fashion gave me the spark I needed to get back to life as a regular human being and not a zombie as corny as that sounds. I needed something otherwise I might have wasted away in the hole forever missing the countless days, chances, and moments that make life worth living no matter how insignificant they might be in the scheme of things.
The things that happened might not seem like a big deal, but it is exactly what I needed at a moment I needed it the most. I am now working towards things with a new mindset and a fresh perspective that is stronger than anything I have felt before. It might take time to actually go in the right direction, but I know I can do it. I finally have the desire and the want to do it. Above all, I need to do it otherwise I might find myself in the same hole all over again. Besides, a zombie is not something I want to be.