I wish I could erase the bottom line on that picture, but it just says how I feel so much more than I can ever describe. Someone is missing from me, and I am not sure how to function without them. I mean, how does one begin a blog like this? I am not sure it is something I even want to discuss. I was thinking of blog ideas to post when I heard the worst news of my life. In fact, I had even started to ramble ideas off my head and write freely about life in Paris and coming home to see my family. Needless to say, I have not written in a while.
Its been exactly one month since my life changed forever. Melodramatic or not, I feel lost at the loss of my mother. Losing a parent is something I never expected to experience at 26. Words cannot even begin to describe my sadness or grief over the matter. I am a fairly private person, but I also like writing to express my opinion and current state of mind. As of right now, I am not even sure where to go or what to do. So many many people have been incredibly helpful through out this process. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I will always be grateful.
If anything, the past month has taught me that everything is so… I am not even sure how to articulate anything because I do not think I have learned anything save to appreciate the life I have. Anyone can live the life they think they cannot have if they just try. Paris is not easy, but I have done it regardless. I really think if you want something the whole universe will conspire to help you get it. I am not sure what my end goal is because I am still looking. I hope I find it soon, but for the moment I am content to stay where I am for the next few months as I figure this new life out.
I would call my mother constantly about stupid things. She would send me silly pictures from Pinterest and funny cards in the mail. I won’t have that anymore. No one will ever love me like she did. Of course, it is the big things too that hurt the most. She will not be at my Italian wedding, meet my children or be there when I need her most. I relied on her humor and perspective to get me through rough times. Now, I have to essentially stand alone and figure things out by myself.
However, I know I am not alone. Thanks to my brother, extended family, and M., I know I will continue to live a full life of memories and laughter. I want to live the life that my mother could not for whatever reason. I want to jump off cliffs. explore more countries, and roam the world. Eventually, I will want to settle down with a family and a successful career. But, my time as a wanderer is not yet over.
I am still grieving, and I am not sure if I will ever get over this. I will always miss her, but I cannot let that stop me from moving forward towards a brighter future. I can only hope it will come soon, and until that point, I will have to take one day at a time. My brother reminded me of something she would always say: you can cry for ten minutes, but then you have to move on. I am not sure if I can recover from this is ten minutes let alone a month, but eventually I will have to move on.
If I was ever just having a crisis. she would tell me to just take a second and breathe. I have been doing plenty of sighing and ugly crying lately that that little piece of advice is hard to remember at times. However. I think there is wisdom in it. If you take a moment to just breath and collect your thoughts, then you can rationalize and realize life is not that bad. You are, in fact, still breathing. You are alive, and you can keep living unlike those dear to us who have passed.
I could go on and on about how much I loved my mother and that I can barely comprehend a life without her. Unfortunately, it is something that I am not able to change. I do not like writing about religion, but I think at a moment like this it is hard to ignore God. Therefore, I often repeat the Serenity prayer. I first heard it when I went to camp in North Carolina. My mom had gone as a child, and I followed in her footsteps. It just reminds me that I have to have faith that things happen for whatever reason and that sometimes things cannot be undone. We only have one life, and it should not be wasted to any degree.
I am not sure how to end this post other than saying that life is hard and unfair, but it is also beautiful and pretty darn fun. My mother always had a smile on her face, she was an important help to her community, and she was immensely loved by those around her. I can only hope to have half the legacy she does when it is my own time to leave this world.